Motorcycle Training Forum

[John (JT)]

I was running a bit late by the time I got to the church.
My wife was already there.
She looked lovely by the alter.
I kissed her lightly on the cheek...


.


.


.


.


and shut the lid

[fuse]

Ahh a joke thread, nice just got sent this one:

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty Flight Attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him, "What the f@*k do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said


"Ahhh, Ryanair".

This is rather funny as well (just text but the content some may not find entirely work safem its basically a problem page from the sun or something of that ilk, but rather amusing)

http://roflsaurus.com/users/public/w42728problems49.jpg

[Louise Orton]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,!
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree............


Ees...


Ees...


Ees...


Ees, a Ham Bush"

[retro]

nice one
the old one's are the best, aren't they Rob
ha ha

[Helen_86]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter
boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*CKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

[Louise Orton]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(You’re gonna love this)




(its a real treat)




(a masterpiece)



(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)

[yorkie 1200]

Dr dave was feeling veryguilty,he,d slept with one of his patients.
The little devil voice inside his head was saying
"Dave your a single man,you are,nt the first Dr to sleep with one of
his patients and you sure won,t be the last"
Then the little angelic voice of reason chirped up

"yeh but dave YOUR A VET"

[retro]

Baaaah

[Helen_86]

Hahaha

[concretesnail]

this one is in the back of superbike but i though it was good enough to pass on here;

A man come homefrom work one evening to find his wife packing her bags,
"where you going he asks?" in a confused manner. His wife replies,
"well there are prostitutes in London who get paid £400 a time for what i do for you, so i'm leaving!"
The man then begins to pack his bags. With a fown on her face his wife asks,
"what are you doing?"
"well," replied the man "i'm coming to London too. I want to see how you can live on £800 a year!"

[yorkie 1200]

Apple computers announced today that they have developed
a computer chip that can store and play music in a womens
breast implants.

the iboob will cost about £499.

This is considered a major break through, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

thanks to apple everyone is happy.

[Helen_86]

Diet for stressed women. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day.

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skimmed milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER:

'Stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

Here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Cardonay, a bottle of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Pinqeuns, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel!

[rjh_786Bn]

Andrew Sherwood forwarded this one.........

A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he would walk home as he didn't live far.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling
outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way
with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Helen_86]

Love this image



I'm also ready for a prolonged period of SUN!

[yorkie 1200]

A man breaks into a house looking for money an guns
inside he finds a young couple in bed
he ordred the guy out of bed an ties him to a chair

while tying the guys wife up the escaped convict gets on top of her kisses her neck then goes to the bathroom

while he s in there the husband whispers over to his wife
listen this guys a escaped convict look at his clothes he probly spent a lot of time in jail and has nt seen a woman in years

i saw how he kissed your neck if he wants s-x dont resist dont complain
do whatever he tells you.satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you
this guy is obviously very dangerous

If he gets angy he ll kill us both be strong honey i love you

his wife responds he was nt kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear
he told me he s gay thinks your cute and if we had any vasilene i told him theres some in the bathroom

be strong honey i love you to....