Motorcycle Training Forum

[yorkie 1200]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
you were the one who invented the
Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"


God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Helen_86]

TWO TREES

It is hard to find a joke today
without a dirty word
or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech,
are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow
between them, and the beech says
to the birch, "Is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a
tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the
small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a
beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy"
One little boy stood up and offered:
"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident"
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy".
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr and Mrs Bush was struck by a
"friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

----------------------------------------------------------

Generally hoax warnings are ridiculous, and unneccesary, but this one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.


If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey and asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it!!


This is a scam; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now...

[retro]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.


"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."


Confused, the father asked what was wrong.


The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny, speech.


At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy, speech.


When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa, speech.


If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[yorkie 1200]

[yorkie 1200]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. "Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack."I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your **** ing attitude, you never will."

[yorkie 1200]

Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings

[Helen_86]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[retro]

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

[Helen_86]

Lol! Like it!

[retro]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ............. full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

[retro]

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red pedal car with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The pedal was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look.
"That's is a nice fire engine," he said with admiration.
"Thank you," the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the pedal car to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little girl," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your appliance, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's Collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[yorkie 1200]

ok,a man and his wife were drivin home one evenin, and the man hits a skunk.... wife screams at the man to stop the car...
she gets out and the poor wee skunk is lyin shakin i the road.. she picks it up and brings it back to the car.
"we have to take it to the vet " she says...
"look she says the poor weee thing keeps shakin what wil i do. "
Man says "stick it between yer legs"
wife says "but it stinks"
man says "well hold its bloody nose then "

[retro]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.


The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".


I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it". He said "Those are pickled onions".


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".


I said to the train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I was on telly once but I'm no Dean Martin".


I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".


I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.


I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".


But anyway I'm in great mood at the moment because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.


So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your cleaning your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".


You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.


So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".


I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (the world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.


He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".


Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example remember Goran, even he's a witch.


And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.


I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".


A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought to myself "That's a turtle disaster".


Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"


A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".


A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".


A Dyslexic man walks into a bra


A seal walks into a club...


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[retro]

Arthur (Harley) Davidson died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

[yorkie 1200]

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