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[retro]

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Doh!!

[retro]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[yorkie 1200]

[yorkie 1200]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate
because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her
'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that
she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned
and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for
a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.
_________________

[yorkie 1200]

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay, I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
Husband: (makes audible groan).
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably, it is almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
Wife: -- silence --
Husband: "Sh-t."

[retro]

Overheard in a interview with Paul McCartney shortly after his divorce...

Journalist: So Paul, do you believe you will ever go down on one knee again?
/
/
/
/
/
/
/

Paul: 'I'd really prefer it if you called her Heather.'

[retro]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[retro]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each

possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a

lighter. He flicked it on.

It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.



The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.



The third man started searching desperately through his pockets

and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And

just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

[yorkie 1200]

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a
pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:


Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones
(which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all..
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them..
I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Ron..

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[yorkie 1200]

customer service at tesco!

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.

As he got to the checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the Checkout.

She asked, 'What size condoms?

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the checkout, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was amazingl. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checkout girl he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up
the intercom and said...








(you'll love this one...................) .



























'Mop and bucket, Till 5...

[yorkie 1200]

Little Johnny asked his momma.... "Mom, why are wedding dresses white...??" The mother looks at her darling son and replies, "Johnny, this indicates to all your friends and relatives that your bride is pure as the driven snow and unsullied !!"

Little Johnny thanks his Mom and decides to double-check this with his father.

"Hey Pop... why are wedding dresses white....???"

The father's mouth falls open as he looks at his son in surprise and finally says, "Son, all household appliances come in white

[retro]

Seven dwarves went to meet the Pope. "Go on Dopey, ask

him" chanted the other 6.



"OK" said Dopey. "Sir, are there any nuns in Alaska?"



"Yes my son, there are" said the Pope.



"Go on Dopey, ask him" urged the other 6 dwarves.



"Ok" said Dopey. "Sir are there any black nuns in Alaska?"



"Yes my son, there are" said the Pope.



"Go on Dopey ask him"



Dopey blushed and asked



"Sir are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"



"No my son, I don't think so" said the Pope.



All 6 dwarves leapt up shouting.........





"Dopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin!!!!!!!

[retro]

Subject: The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products may increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - "These men Have Jobs".

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids." "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking." "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep looking.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework." "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!

"Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak." She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please."

"Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

"The first floor has wives that love ---."

"The second floor has wives that love --- and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!"

[Helen_86]

(excuse the American terminology...)

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Go to jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18 ) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28 ) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38 ) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But at least you know the job was done right!

[St/M D]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.