Motorcycle Training Forum

[St/M D]

The guy that wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died last week.
It was especially difficult for the family to keep him in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and........ well, you know the rest.

[St/M D]

A top movie producer was discussing his new project, an action
docu-drama about famous composers...starring several familiar Hollywood
faces. Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were all there. The
producer really wanted the box office "oomph" of these three, so he was
prepared to allow them to select the famous composer they would portray
in the film. "Well," Stallone said, "I've always admired Mozart. I would
love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme.
"I'll play him." The producer was very pleased. He then said, "That
sounds splendid. But who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Schwarzenegger looked him square in the eye and said, "I'll be Bach!"

[yorkie 1200]

A bloke was just taking a quiet stroll along the beach when we happened to kick something in the sand that made a tinny sound. Upon further investigation he removed the item from the sand and it appeared to be a lamp of some description.

So, he started to clean it to look for markings and out popped a female genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from the confines of my lamp. For that I grant you three wishes. But, because I am a female genie, for every wish you make, your wife will get 10 times the amount of"

"Ok" said the bloke.

"My first wish is for 50 million in my bank"

"You realise this means your wife will get 10 times this amount" said the genie.

"I do" said the bloke "and that is fine"

With a clap of the hands she said "It is done, what is your next wish"

He said, "I have a brand new Ferrari"

Again she reminded him that his wife will get ten of them.

"Thats fine he said"

The genie clapped her hands and a gleaming new top of the range Ferrari appeared next to him on the beach.

"And your final wish"??

The bloke replied, "Can I have a mild heart attack" ??
_________________

[Helen_86]

In America, investing is about more than just money. It's a lifestyle choice. Here's why:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

*With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

*With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

*If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

*If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

*But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

[retro]

12 of the finest (unintentional) Double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator : 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself

[rjh_786Bn]

A biker pulls up next to a little boy and says " Hey, why don't you get on the back and we'll go for a ride?" The littleboy tells the biker "No thanks" and walks away.
Biker pulls up next to the boy again and says " Hey, if you get on the back and go for a ride with me, I'll give you $10 dollars" and the boy say "No way, get lost" and walks away.
Biker pulls up next to the boy at hird time and says, " If you get on the back and go for a ride with me I give you $50 Dollars and a big bag of candy." and the boy tells the biker, "Dad you bought the Yammaha, now you ride it!"

[Helen_86]

BOO, HISSSSSSS!

[rjh_786Bn]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.'

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.'

The farmer replied, 'Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, 'OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn.' The old farmer smiled and said, 'No I give up, you can have the duck.

[Helen_86]

A GREEK Mother

Mrs. Raviolios comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner... who lives with a female roommate Maria..

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you did take the sugar bowl
from my house; I'm not saying that you did not
take it. But the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony


Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Maria, and
I'm not saying that you do not sleep with her. But
the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN
bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

[Helen_86]

Ok, here's some pearls of wisdom to cheer Retro up

The Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

[retro]

[Helen_86]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

[retro]

WIFE: "What if I died - would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "****."

--------------------------------------------------------

A man entered the bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it)...blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"